DVRBlogging The Idol Finale

There's no way in hell I'd watch this thing live. Here we go:

• 8:00: It's time to rock and roll. One of these two guys will win it all and be the next to disappoint in album sales. Nice white clothes, guys! Adam's jeans look like he was painting a room and it went badly. Do I hear "Ford Music Video outtakes"?
• Fast forward through the title sequence.
• Fast forward through the judge intro and "tribute".
• Fast forward through the look at the hometowns, especially with that annoying Mikaella chick with the spray tan and the collagen implant.
• 8:08: When I heard they were doing a song called "So What?" I was really hoping it would be the Metallica cover of the horribly filthy Anti-Nowhere League song. But, alas, it's that crappy Pink song. Fast forward.
• 8:14: Remember how much we loved David Cook last year? I'll give him a minute or so until the hook.
• 8:15: Bored. Wife insists on listening to him.
• 8:16: Fast forward.
• 8:19: It's Justin Guarini. Awesome. And now on to the awards portion. Yay! I always kind of like this part because they show the crappy performances. No, not Lil Rounds and Scott McIntyre! The ones from the beginning of the season.
• 8:23: Don't we all kind of wish that Norman Gentile was in the finals? Not that he's really all that funny in the grand scheme of funny, but it would have been nice.
• 8:25: Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah! I've been waiting my whole life for this moment! When else could I get the chance to fast forward through a Lil Rounds/Queen Latifah performance?
• 8:32: Just went through the first thirty-two minutes in like fifteen minutes of real time. Might be going too fast... We'll listen to Jason Mraz for a sec.
• 8:33: Sort of funny how Mraz's mic is clearly louder than everyone else's. Funny, but life-saving.
• 8:36: Journey time! Oh, not "Separate Ways"? Time to move forward at a quicker-than-normal rate!
• 8:38: Oh, it's Keith Urban! Awesome! Only thing better than country is pop country! Wife likes Keith Urban. Time to look at baseball scores.
• 8:40: Justin Upton is just killing the ball right now. Great late round draft pick for me. Oh, and my wife points out that Paula has tassels on her breasts.
• 8:45: All of the girls performing! All of the girls were so good this year. Good for Kris, Adam, and Danny to poop on! Here's my song for them and Fergie: F-A-S-T-F-O-R-W-A-R-D.
• 8:47: Stopped because that guy who acted badly in Wolverine is on the TV. Fergie looks really haggard.
• 8:51: More awards. I smell Bikini Girl about to come on stage. That's not a metaphor. I seriously smell her. It smells like desperation. She just told Justin Guarini, Blake Lewis, and/or David Archuleta that they could have their ways with her. Archuleta: "Aw, shucks."
• 8:53: She totally got a boob job. And Ryan just knocked that line the hell out of the park. "I was going to ask what's new, but I think I know." I give him all the credit in the world for that.
• 8:55: Bikini Girl looks a little upset about how Kara stole her thunder and then Kara flashed us. Nice.
• 9:00: Cyndi Lauper! I may actually watch this. I thought only blind people played the guitar like that. No, that wasn't a Scott joke.
• 9:01: Goes to show that no matter how good Allison's voice sounds, she doesn't sound so good next to a real pro. Bikini Girl:Bikini Judge::Red Helmet Hair:Cyndi Lauper.
• Nobody cares what the parents have to say. Fast forward.
• 9:05: Gokey is doing "Hello". That's David Cook territory. Onward.
• 9:08: Moment of the night! As Lionel Ritchie came out, they showed Kara clapping and Paula dancing. Then you can see Kara look to see Paula and start dancing herself after freezing for a second. And it's obvious she was about to dance badly. Classic. I had to rewind and rewatch a couple of times.
• 9:09: Kara obviously gave up on dancing as she's now sitting. This is a passable version of "All Night Long". Ruben Studdard singing along, too.
• 9:15: Adam's journey. Still no Steve Perry. He was in San Diego to interview the crowd of Glambert fans. Oh, that was Carly Smithson, sorry! Fast forward.
• 9:17: Adam came out dressed like the Starlight Express. Of course he's singing "Beth", the lamest KISS song ever. But... KISS doing "Detroit Rock City"!!!!!!!!!!!! Rock!
• 9:19: Now Adam's clothes seem a bit more fitting. This is actually pretty cool. I'm glad I voted for him. It's nice to see that Gene Simmons has become a parody of his action figures.
• 9:21: Maybe the Gokey scream from Adam wasn't necessary there.
• 9:25: Carlos Santana doing "Black Magic Woman". I can dig it. Oh, just realized Yahoo is streaming the Cavs game. Sweet. Alt-Tab time.
• 9:26: Oh, Matt Giraud came on to sing and look uncomfortable. And now the rest of the cast? Time to move on.
• 9:29: Who the hell was that chick that made that weird face? Now on to the Ford Music Video where the two guys are apparently memorializing their dead comrades.
• 9:30: Yay, Adam and Kris win cars! Get your Fords fast before Chapter 11!
• 9:31: Is Steve Martin, Michael Sarver, and Megan Joy the weirdest trio in history? Michael and Megan live in a pitch-free zone. Sorry, Steve, love you dude, but gots to go.
• 9:39: And now all the guys are singing disco? I'm sorry I even went to "play" for a second.
• 9:40: Okay, I can deal with Rod Stewart singing "Maggie May".
• 9:44: As they do the "Outstanding Female" award, my wife calls that it will be Tatiana. I had seriously forgotten that she existed. Honestly. The reminder depressed the s*** out of me.
• 9:47: Aw, crap. That was great acting by the security people. This is what the look on Ruben's face said: "What is that crazy bitch doing?!?" At least it was blessedly short.
• 9:52: Adam and Kris sing the most overrated Queen song. Brian May and company appear. Guys, why? If I weren't so sure that Freddie Mercury would have been a big Adam fan (honestly, not a joke), I'd say he'd be turning in his grave right now.
• 9:54: They actually sound okay, but all the hand-shaking is phonier than even Kara and Paula dancing arm-in-arm.
• 10:00: It's time for the big moment, when we can recharge and forget how cheesy we think the show is so we can get excited again in nine months when we hear the first bad audition.
• 10:01: The winner is Kris. I guess my six or seven Adam votes weren't enough. Never underestimate how much America hates gay people. Is that fair? Don't know, but I'm sure I'm not the only person thinking that.
• 10:04: And with the stupid microphone trophy and the crappy song playing: Random Babbles... Out.