Sunday, August 24, 2008

Joe-Mentum, Or A Joe-sy Outlook

I'm overjoyed by the VP selection. Biden adds toughness to the campaign, can serve as a mentor in some respects (in this way, he's not wholly unlike Cheney to Dubya), can rip any debate opponent to shreds (oh man, do I hope it's the Mittster), and can go after McCain without looking like a disrespectful upstart. Basically, Biden is the Malone to Obama's Eliot Ness, except Obama does things "The Chicago Way" and Joe will teach him "The Scranton Way".

In staying up late to wait for the text and then reading countless stories this morning, I was able to uncover a bizarre fact about the VP search. The campaign was insisting that the candidate be named Joe. It ensured a "regular guy" feel with so many attacks about Obama as "other". Here is the list that I stumbled across of other Joes that the campaign vetted:
  • Joe DiMaggio. In order to stay with the whole Kennedy thing, the campaign wanted someone who had also slept with Marilyn Monroe. Unfortunately, it turned out that he's not actually alive. It's the morbid answer to the question: "Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?"
  • Joe Frazier. With Mohammed Ali set to appear at the DNC, this wouldn't have ended well.
  • Joe Lieberman. He would have been a tremendous shadow agent for the Republicans, but he played his hand too early. They may have actually trusted him after his 2000 run, but, to be honest, [joke deleted because it was deemed too offensive by Standards & Practices].
  • Joe McCarthy. Also, unfortunately, dead. It wouldn't have gone over too well anyway, since he would have probably called Nancy Pelosi a "dirty commie" during his speech and then have gotten creamed for joking that his running mate was at the top of "my Black List".
  • Glass Joe. The campaign didn't need to hear all of the teasing, where John McCain would be referred to as "Little Mac". Also, notoriously weak and slow with easy-to-read attack patterns. (Note: The "Little Mac" reference also apparently ruled out Kathleen "Piston Honda" Sebelius.)
  • Joe Millionaire. Built-in financing and the ability to woo desperate women (read: Clinton voters). No major downside until it turned out that he was actually a poor construction worker.
  • Joe Mama. Ha, gotcha!
  • Joe Carter. A) Nobody was sure if he was American or Canadian, and B) unlikely that the GOP would select Mitch Williams to face him in a debate.
  • Joe E. Tata. He was actually really close to getting the gig, since he could dispense great advice and make a mean pie. Unfortunately, he was ruled out after vetting turned up his shady dealings with Valerie Malone and Dylan McKay.

1 comment:

Steve said...

How could you sleep on Joe V. Volcano.