Late Night Babbles

Note: With all of the late night talk show shuffling, there may be an opening somewhere. Here's my audition script.

Monologue:

• What a night, everybody! You know who's having a great night? Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer -- it's his fiftieth birthday. Happy birthday to Mr. Spitzer. Fifty! They say the fiftieth is the 7-diamond anniversary.
• The Pittsburgh Steelers have Super Bowl rings that weigh almost a quarter of a pound! That's four ounces to everyone except for Santonio Holmes, who asked for his to be weighed in kilos.
• Chrysler was bought by Fiat, an Italian company. The Chrysler Building in Manhattan is about to become the biggest Olive Garden in the world.
• Miley Cyrus broke up with her boyfriend. She's sixteen, he's twenty. He says it's okay, he'll get by, and that the baby from The Hangover is kind of cute.
• Former Playmate and reality TV star Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant. Nobody knows if it's with her current fiancee or with her ex-boyfriend, Hef, but the sonogram clearly showed that the baby was wearing a smoking jacket.

Interview:

• Some of you may have seen the trailer for the new direct-to-DVD film Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus. We welcome one of the stars of the movie. Please give a big hand for Mega Shark!
• Random Babbles: Welcome, Mr. Shark.
• Mega Shark: I'd hardly say I was a star of the movie. Did you see how many scenes of mine were cut out?
• RB: I did notice that the movie is very focused on character development, to the exclusion of the title characters.
• MS: My friend Ockie -- Giant Octopus -- was distraught. What little I got was even more than him. There were very few scenes that we were in that were not in the trailer. But, I guess we sell. Nobody's paying to see a movie called Deborah Gibson Versus Lorenzo Lamas.
• RB: I thought you guys were great. For the, what, two minutes you were in the movie out of ninety total, I was rooting for you the whole time. The death embrace that you and Giant Octopus ended up in was pretty compelling.
• MS: What did you think of the rest of the movie? Did you notice how horrible the effects were? How bad the acting was? How, well, boring the whole thing was?
• RB: To be honest, the trailer is much better than the actual film. Probably because it shows all of your best scenes. The athleticism you showed in leaping to take down that plane was quite remarkable. Kobe Bryant wishes he had hops like that.
• MS: Thanks. I had a personal trainer for that -- guy who used to star at Sea World Tampa. Hopefully I can use what little the idiot director used of me and parlay it into a role in a better movie.
• RB: Like Jaws 5?
• MS: Did you see the fourth one? No matter how badly the director botched my movie, Jaws 4 is easily the worst shark movie ever. No, I'm in talks with Christopher Nolan over the next Batman film. We've yet to see any Bat-Shark Repellent in the new series.
• RB: Well, good luck with that and thanks for joining us! Everybody, the movie is Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus, available on DVD now. But just watch the trailer. We'll be back with our musical guest.

Musical Guest:

• Ladies and Gentlemen, Beaker and the Muppets!

Well, we've had a great show. I hope you'll join us tomorrow night!