- Lil Rounds, singing Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman": Can I start by applauding Wikipedia for having the lineup of contestants and songs immediately? Makes it really easy to a) write this and b) prepare myself for what's coming. But nothing can prepare us for Lil at this point, right? She's progressively gotten worse as time has gone on. She's the Benjamin Button of Idol. Be gone, woman!
- Kris Allen, singing Donna Summer's "She Works Hard for the Money": Going in, I thought Kris would have the hardest time this week. This was a nice version, but not disco in the slightest. Wasn't it Disco Night? They really need to institute Gangsta Rap Night so we can hear Kris doing his soft rock take on N.W.A.'s "F*** Tha Police". Why even bother talking about anyone who's not Lil, Anoop, or Matt though? The other four have to be totally safe. Paula thinks he may be a cross-dresser, apparently. Wasn't it Adam that we saw in drag?
- Danny Gokey, singing Earth, Wind, and Fire's "September": This is one of my favorite songs. I'm glad he didn't try the falsetto too much. He didn't move enough, it was a little too safe, a little too boring. He's very packaged, which I like more than Adam, who's too out there. The voice is great, but I'm rambling -- he's 100% safe.
- Allison Iraheta, singing Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff": How good was The Full Monty? One of the more underrated movies of the 1990s. I should watch that again rather than watching this crap. Could this garbage have bumped her below Anoop? The perm makes her look like Rocker Lucy. Ricky, please 'splain this nonsense performance. I refused to look at the TV. The dog ran away. Horrifying.
- Adam Lambert, singing Yvonne Elliman's "If I Can't Have You": Wake me up when Matt goes on so I can make fun of him.
- Matt Giraud, singing "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees: Oh, let me wipe that drool off the pillow. Okay. Love the hat. I think it was a tremendous idea to keep wearing it. It says, "I'm totally like Justin Timberlake, even if I don't sound like it! Pay no attention to the vibrato, just look at the fly head gear!" He sings just like Paula bowls. He breaks a nail and then cries until he passes out in a drug-induced stupor? Simon may have thwarted America last week, but we're winners, damn it! We beat the Brits back in 1776 and we'll do it again. I'm going to put it on blast right here: Matt's gone.
- Anoop Desai, singing Donna Summer's "Dim All the Lights": How did nobody do "Last Dance"? Isn't it a rule that someone has to do it? Okay, forget Matt's hat. 'Noop looked super fly with his goatee-ish thing and his pink sweater under the blazer. Totally forgettable performance, but who cares. He totally looked slick enough to hang out with Van Wilder.
Lil and Matt go bye-bye.