- Allison Iraheta, singing Aerosmith's "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing": Somehow this song didn't make Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. I'm fairly certain that nobody has ever been more sick of a song than the entire world is sick of this one. But you knew somebody would take on the challenge! She blew the lyrics a bit and her voice was a little too low in pitch, but she's solid. I always enjoy seeing her father, who looks like a Moe Howard/Herve Villechaize procreation.
- Anoop Desai, singing Bryan Adams' "(Everything I Do) I Do It for You": Well, we knocked out the two most prominent wussy overplayed songs right away, huh? Anoop, ready to be voted off so he can start his job with the Obama administration (I know, I promised), was very good. You know, considering the source material and all. It was his best performance in a while, but we're getting down to that point where only the real contenders can stick around. He should have tried to sing it in a bad British accent though, to honor the movie from whence it came.
- Adam Lambert, singing Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild": Because of what loose self-censoring rules I have in place, it's really hard to do true justice to my Adam commentary. This is totally going to be the big finale when they do the Easy Rider musical on Broadway. The rednecks will blow away Fonda and Hopper and the two hippies' ghosts will sing this, a la Judas at the end of Jesus Christ Superstar. It's going to be fabulous. Fabulous. I can't f***ing stand Adam's arrangements, by the way.
- Matt Giraud, singing "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?" by Bryan Adams: Are we watching Canadian Idol? I'm not saying that Matt is trying to look like Justin Timberlake, but he totally just started going out with a Britney Spears impersonator. Jessica Biel impersonators, look out! He uses so much vibrato that Chelsea Handler just made a joke about him. Weak performance. Kara said that sometimes with him it's like "two steps forward." Paula might have added that tonight was like two steps back. Matt and good go together because opposites attract.
- Danny Gokey, singing (by himself!) "Endless Love" by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross: Unfortunately, Doug from Flight of the Conchords was not his harp accompanist. He definitely got that emotion in there, which was good. My favorite of the night so far. I'm kind of off Gokey just like I'm off everyone this year. Yeah, they're all good, but none of them drive me crazy. If I were singing a song to them tonight, it would not have been "She Drives Me Crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals, from the Gross Anatomy soundtrack.
- Kris Allen, singing "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova: I was kind of hoping Kris would do "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp" and really show a different side of himself. Instead, he decided to do a sweet, sappy song. Well, I know that's really a departure for him, but he managed to pull it off. He's so sugary that his albums will come with the first ever Surgeon General warning regarding diabetes. Is it possible that even David Archuleta had more of an edge? He's about as offensive as the Detroit Lions.
- Lil Rounds, singing Bette Midler's "The Rose": Let me take a second to comment on Tarantino and his Hitler haircut. When did he get so nice? He spent a minute with Kris Allen and we had a total Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing going on. Anyways, we know by now that Lil is pitchy and awful. She's missing the key like it's hidden in one of those fake rocks or something. She couldn't find the pitch even if she were standing right in the middle of Wembley Stadium (a soccer joke!!). And now she starts with the talking back to Simon crap? See ya.
The bottom three have to be Anoop, Lil, and Matt. Make it so I don't have to listen to Lil any more, please.