Saturday, September 6, 2008

The NFL, As Seen On TV

Note: I could have written about movies I watched recently or talked about the brilliant ending to last night's The Soup that had me laughing out loud for minutes after the show ended. But tomorrow is the opening of the NFL season, so we've asked special guest blogger, TV's Billy Mays to preview the year as only he can.

Hey everyone, I'd like to welcome you to Random Babbles' fantastic NFL preview! We guarantee you mildly-informed opinions or your money back! We'll count down from the worst team to the top. Stick around to see who will be #1 -- I promise it won't be a surprise!

32. Atlanta Falcons: You'll get the same quality of play as ever, but we absolutely guarantee no dog fighting! That's right, this year is pitbull free! Rookie QB Matt Ryan will personally welcome you to the game when he sees you in the stands while laying on his back after yet another sack!
31. Miami Dolphins: You might think the team will be hungry after a one-win season last year and you might be right! With the return of Ricky Williams, the team is sure to be hungry... for Doritos! Are you as excited about Chad Pennington as I am?!
30. Kansas City Chiefs: If you like seeing great stars like Tony Gonzalez and Larry Johnson looking really depressed on the sideline, this is the team for you! With no Hard Knocks to let you know the players this year, every game you see will be a surprise!
29. Oakland Raiders: Al Davis will yell, "Just win, baby!" and they will do exactly that at least three times! We guarantee that the Raiders will lead the league in guys named JaMarcus!
28. San Francisco 49ers: Frank Gore, Frank Gore, and more Frank Gore! Get to know J.T. O'Sullivan, but did we mention they have Frank Gore?!
27. St. Louis Rams: You may be shocked to learn that a team with this much talent is this bad! You'll get plenty of disappointment and, this year only, we'll throw in boring division games for free!
26. Chicago Bears: This team was in the Super Bowl only two years ago! That's right, around nineteen months ago, this team played for the NFL championship!
25. Baltimore Ravens: You have never gotten more Flacco than you will get with this team! I'll say it again: Now, with more Flacco than ever! Plus, if by any chance Flacco's head gets separated from his body in Week 2, you'll get a Heisman Trophy winner at no extra charge!
24. Cincinnati Bengals: Plenty of high-scoring games for your viewing pleasure! Even better, I bet you've never ever seen a guy with a fake Spanish number as his last name before! The Bengals officially bring to you the two weirdest named wide receivers in NFL history!
23. Detroit Lions: Now, with non-wide receiver draft picks!
22. Arizona Cardinals: With the NFC West, even the worst teams in the league have a chance of giving you a second place finish! Don't forget that they exist!
21. Denver Broncos: I usually sell you cutlery, but I'm honored today to sell you Cutler! You fantasy players will love the way they use their running backs!
20. Washington Redskins: Now, with the power of Zorn, the Redskins will bring you levels of mediocrity that you have never witnessed with your very own eyes! If you watch closely, you may even see a wide receiver catch a ball or two!
19. Buffalo Bills: Lee Evans promises to show up in at least three games this year!
18. Houston Texans: When you watch the Texans, you get to see Andre Johnson and we'll throw in some other players, too! Don't mess with the Texans!
17. Carolina Panthers: Steve Smith and Julius Peppers are on this team! Pay no attention to the other guys on the sideline!
16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: They just might be better than they look on paper! We promise the most effeminate quarterback with the hottest girlfriends!
15. New York Jets: The Jets have a new surprise quarterback that you have never heard of! Their fans will all think that he can make the difference, but what will you think?! Watch them play the Patriots and find out!
14. Green Bay Packers: Now with more Aaron Rodgers than ever! You've never seen the frozen tundra so Favre-less!
13. Tennessee Titans: Come see Vince Young give just as much effort as he feels like giving! They will stop offenses cold! Even their own!
12. Philadelphia Eagles: You may not know that Donovan McNabb has never won a Super Bowl, but it's actually true. He guarantees that he won't win one this year either!
11. Cleveland Browns: They promise to set the lake on fire! I mean, they promise to set the division on fire! They're more explosive than a pollution-filled body of water!
10. Seattle Seahawks: You may pick them to win the NFC every year, but they'll show you yet!
9. Minnesota Vikings: With all the running game and defense that you love about football! They might even just let Adrian Peterson snap it to himself every play this year!
8. New Orleans Saints: Shockey, Shockey, Shockey! We guarantee that they will outscore the other team on many an occasion!
7. Pittsburgh Steelers: If you think they are one of the elite teams in the league, you guessed wrong! Instead, you will find them overrated!
6. New York Giants: They give you all of the Manning with none of the high expectations!
5. Dallas Cowboys: If you love blondes with big boobs, you'll love Tony Romo's skybox! Terell Owens guarantees a double-team on every single play!
4. Jacksonville Jaguars: If you don't enjoy watching Maurice Jones-Drew and this defense, you may just be a loser! Also, when it comes to David Garrard, the quality might surprise you!
3. San Diego Chargers: Shawne Merriman's knees may even hold out for a game or two! Either way, he promises to dance after every step!
2. Indianapolis Colts: Now with new and improved something to prove!
1. New England Patriots: They may not go undefeated on the field, but they will go undefeated in your heart! We guarantee absolutely no spy cameras that you can find anywhere!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think you may have overestimated the Rams at 27th best, Billy. But kudos on that OxiClean stuff.