Once Again: 39 Days, 20 People, 1 Jaw-Dropping Survivor

• The Monologue:
• Other than a quick trip to the store on Sunday, I left the immediate vicinity of my house today for the first time in a week. The chicks from Grey Gardens called to tell me I should get a life.
• The whole time I was home, I didn't shave (because, seriously, why would I?). I finally broke down when my face started itching like a reckless prostitute's crotch.
• There's so much snow piled up on my lawn that I made a snow man, a life-sized model of former 76ers star, 7'6" Shawn Bradley. Only not as white.
• Random Pop Culture:
• The first thirty minutes of tonight's Survivor premiere were brutal. This looks like it's going to be the show's best season yet, with so many great personalities and their built-in baggage. If you've ever watched Survivor, you have to watch this season. Have to. You have old-school Colby and Jerri. You have new-school Coach and Tyson. You can hate Amanda for having no personality. You can love Boston Rob for being a tool. You get to watch Russell one more time (or for the first time if you didn't watch last season), and he is not to be missed.
• John Mayer apologized for his Playboy interview (it's an interesting read, you can find it easily enough). Sure, the use of the "n-word" was not good, but I don't think he said anything worth going so nuts over. He's a pop star. The interview was in Playboy. Seriously.
• I mean, how many things have politicians or political radio hosts or corporate heads, etc., etc., said that people have shrugged off? And they're going crazy because John Mayer said he doesn't find black women attractive and, in doing so, compared his genitalia to David Duke? That's actually kind of funny.
• Your List Sucks!: Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains Players -- Ranking My Favorites
• 20. Candice ("Cook Islands") -- Who?
• 19. Danielle ("Panama") -- No, seriously, who are these two?
• 18. Sugar ("Gabon") -- Cries way too much.
• 17. Sandra ("Pearl Islands") -- Sure, she won, but who remembers her from that season?
• 16. Jerri ("The Australian Outback") -- No way she should have been given another chance after she walked off the "All-Stars" reunion show.
• 15. Amanda ("China") -- She is a black hole of personality. She is not only without any interesting, um, non-physical, qualities, but she actually sucks the personality out of everyone in her immediate vicinity.
• 14. Rupert ("Pearl Islands") -- He's just a little too earnest and that not only makes him annoying, it makes him a bad player.
• 13. Randy ("Gabon") -- He's just a snivelling mess, but I think he'll be funny with the stronger personalities for the very short time that he's there.
• 12. Stephenie ("Palau") -- Yes, she's one of the poster children for the game and, yes, she was beyond awesome in tonight's premiere, but I was so sick of her and Bobby Jon after they were there two seasons in a row.
• 11. Courtney ("China") -- She gets credit for being nasty and for surviving as long as she did (to the final vote when Todd won and she got more votes than Amanda's none), but she's very weak.
• 10. Tom ("Palau") -- He's in the conversation for the best player in the show's history. He certainly had the most dominant single season performance.
• 9. JT ("Tocantins") -- He looks like he'll be one of the two Heroes to try the evil route this time around. Seems to be a great guy and was more involved in strategy in his season than it seemed.
• 8. Tyson ("Tocantins") -- The dude is funny. Probably the second intentionally funniest contestant to Rob.
• 7. James ("China") -- One of the most likable contestants ever and an absolute beast in challenges. Just not quite smart enough.
• 6. Coach ("Tocantins") -- The unintentionally funniest contestant ever. He is to Survivor what Steven Seagal: Lawman is to life.
• 5. Colby ("The Australian Outback") -- Just can't hate him. He's Superman on this show. Awesome, wholesome, maybe a little too polished and boring.
• 4. Cirie ("Panama") -- The dark horse to take this thing down. Can't quite figure out how she's on the Heroes tribe since she was one of the masterminds behind the girl alliance on "Fans vs. Favorites." They give her credit for being smart, but not enough.
• 3. Boston Rob ("Marquesas") -- Hard to believe that he was on it that long ago. If one really wanted to make up something like "Greatest Reality Show Contestant Ever," one might put Boston Rob right at the top of the list.
• 2. Parvati ("Cook Islands") -- She was brilliant in the "Fans vs. Favorites" season and I freaking love how insidious she is. She is so cold, but she hides it so well.
• 1. Russell ("Samoa") -- Obviously. I mean, come on. He's the best.