Idol Chatter

I'm confounded by tonight's Lost episode. It may have been the weirdest one yet. So, I'll skip the questions, other than, "Who is number 108?" Who would it be if not Desmond? Anyway, it's time for the first live episode of American Idol this year and so it's time for my mocking of the contestants. So, as the top twelve women perform songs I probably hate, this... is the season premiere of "Idol Chatter":

• Paige Miles, singing Free's "All Right Now": Awful. Dreadful. Way to start off the season with some awful singing. Bad song choice, bad pitch, bad volume in both directions. Oh my. Simon broke out "having said that" (see: Curb Your Enthusiasm)! Bad times. Also, after one performance, I'm this close to just fast-forwarding through Kara every time. What the hell are the judges listening to?
• Ashley Rodriguez, singing Leona Lewis' "Happy": A second straight pitchy beginning. So far, this is miserable. I definitely got the feel from her in the auditions that she had the look and an okay voice, but not great. This performance was so freaking bad. What is going on so far? Side question: is Leona Lewis the Mariah Carey of this generation? Where did that come from?
• Janell Wheeler, singing Heart's "What About Love?": Full of ourselves much? Maybe if I come in after the first five seconds of each of these performances, I'll be happier, because they're all starting slower than the traffic on a Boca Raton road. Well, they're not finishing too strong either. For all of the "buzz" that Ryan's referring to, yet nobody actually knows anything about, these all stink so far.
• Lilly Scott, singing the Beatles' "Fixin' a Hole": She's a favorite because the judges talk her up so much and she's certainly been the best so far. Nice voice, good arrangement, but I'm still not really feeling it. A little pitchy, a little uninspired. Ho-hum.
• If you had three-and-a-half in the "when will I actually start fast-forwarding through Kara" pool, you win! Moving on.
• Katelyn Epperly, singing the Beatles' "Oh, Darling": Look, I'm not usually like this, but what the f*** was she wearing? Who puts on an ill-fitting leather couch upholstery outfit on national TV? Dude, she comes off as really, really fake. I get very bad vibes.
• Haeley Vaughn, singing the Beatles' "I Want to Hold Your Hand": Jesus, her nose-piercing story was stupid. Am I in a bad mood? Because I hate everyone. She's way too bubbly and she screams. Her screaming was only good in the performance she did when Theo was coming down the stairs when her, her brother and sisters, and her parents performed that Ray Charles song for her grandparents' anniversary.
• Lacey Brown, singing Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide": I don't think performing this song is a great idea. Stevie Nicks' vocal is too iconic. Too easy to not live up to. Take this version, for instance. Thirty seconds into this, I felt like I should have just fast-forwarded to the next person, because it's not like I'm going to watch her build on this next week. I like when I say stuff and then Simon says the same thing. This has to be one of the worst episodes I can remember.
• Michelle Delamor, singing Alicia Keys' "Fallin'": Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring. I should have known the girls really stunk when Ryan kept hyping them up so much. The sandwich artists at Subway show more passion than this group. I'm watching this at midnight right now and I'm trying to stay awake. Every time I try to get out of sleep, they pull me back in. Randy said that her look was "hot and dope and cool." He forgot "fresh" and "fly" and "stupid".
• Didi Benami, singing Ingrid Michaelson's "The Way I Am": Yes, finally. The best so far if only on the sound, but still missing it. Again, Simon agrees with me. I rock.
• Siobhan Magnus, singing Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game": This is one of my secretly favorite songs. It's just cool and complicated and, again, has an iconic vocal. All reasons why nobody should ever sing it on Idol. She did okay, but it was just too sweet. Not dark enough. Really nice voice, though. I like her as a singer. Personality? Eh.
• Crystal Bowersox, singing Alanis Morissette's "Hand in My Pocket": My two favorites coming in on the girl side were these last two, Crystal and Katie. This was awesome, particularly in contrast to the other performances tonight. My one fear/observation is that I think she may be too good for this competition. They're looking for a Kris Allen, not someone who's really talented.
• Katie Stevens, singing Nina Simone's "Feeling Good": This song has been done so many times that I think I've performed this song on American Idol. Like almost everyone else, if not everyone else, there was no real oomph. Good voice, though.

Lacey Brown already got voted out. I have to think Haeley Vaughn is also going, because she was the other worst one, though Ashley Rodriguez was also pretty bad. Put me on the spot: Lacey and Haeley.