A Frank But Loving Conversation With America

What's up, America? Come on over and sit down! Let me put my arm around you so we can have a heart-to-heart.

We've had a heck of a time these last three or four months, huh? We're going through some pretty tough times and maybe I'm not as affected as some of you, but I feel your pain. We got pretty tight after so many of us banded together to bring the new guy into the White House. I really feel like we've bonded a bit and we're a lot closer because of all that we've been through, so I have no doubt that you'll take what I'm about to say and go with it.

I was watching American Idol tonight, you know, the show we so love to watch together. You remember how fond we were of that Cook kid last year and how we laughed when Taylor won a couple of years ago. We've had some good times watching that show, you and me. I'm just a little worried that you're taking it a little too far.

It's fun to watch this stuff on TV and it's more or less harmless, but we have to keep it to that. See, I know we were all watching the recap show tonight to see if the producers could possible kick all twelve contestants from last night out. We know it's not the rules, but know how those sneaky producers like to bend the rules a little bit, huh? So we fast-forwarded through the horrible group performance and we begrudgingly accepted Allison and her hair that looks almost like the hair helmet that Brett made on Flight of the Conchords. Then, in the middle of the show, they brought out, as they are often wont to do, a past contestant to perform. That's when we found out that Brooke White has released a single.

This is where it stops being cute, America. This is where the laughter ends. We can watch whatever for free and I'm not even mad if you line AT&T's pockets with your text fees, but you aren't really going to download Brooke White's single, are you? It's just not okay to send your hard-earned recession money to some annoying chick who had to re-start a song on national TV. We have over seven percent unemployment right now, but at least one of you (and I'm afraid many more than that) out there is going to pay 99 cents. Hear me out, the world would be a better place if a dollar slipped out of your pocket and blew down a storm drain than if you bought that single. It would be for the best in the long run. You do realize that this is a slippery slope towards an Adam Lambert single, right? If you don't stop them now, they'll keep coming. You're just enabling and I thought that's what got us into this mess we're in as a country.

So... Please accept this hair-tousle in a totally non-patronizing way. I know you try as hard as you can, but I feel like we need to chat like this every so often to make sure that we're both on the same page. So, if you were thinking about buying it, go grab some Flo Rida or some Fall Out Boy instead. If you already bought it, promise not to do something like that again and you can apologize.

Apology accepted. This was a good talk. This was a good talk.