Thursday, July 1, 2010

Your List Sucks!: Right Here, Right Now

Some may think that things are really boring these days. Don't want to watch the news because the Kagan hearing is basically for show at this point and BP keeps drip-drip-dripping away. Nothing good on TV. It's hard for me to get into baseball right now because the O's are so pathetic.

But, think again!

There are plenty of great things going on. So, here are the Top 10 Reasons To Be Psyched About Right Now:
  • 10. The Heat: I'm not talking about the Miami team (yet). DC just finished its hottest June on the record books that started in 1871. Why not see how hot it can get?! When it gets back to 95 on Sunday, you should try literally frying an egg on the sidewalk. I'm going to try it.
  • 9. The New Fiscal Year: Our January to December calendar is totally arbitrary and there are parades in big cities for Chinese New Year, so why not observe Accounting New Year? At midnight last night, I put on a pointy hat that had a green visor and drank 3.96 bottles of champagne. I had 4 bottles, but I had to take depreciation expenses because I bought them over a month ago and I control my alcohol inventory using batch methods.
  • 8. NBA Free Agency: I think this might be as close as I can get to the true connotation of "trainwreck." Nobody wants to hear about it any more but it's impossible to turn away. Minnesota signed Darko Milicic to $5 million per today. Come up with great haikus to commemorate this great contract, such as: "Darko really sucks/ Darko really, really sucks/ Darko really sucks."
  • 7. Spill Along At Home: Tired of the news not paying enough attention to the oil spill? Create your own in the bathtub, using bottles of vegetable oil. Go crazy and buy a rotisserie chicken to stick in the water to get covered in oil. Unlike the Gulf pelicans, you can even cook this bird afterwards!
  • 6. Play Fantasy Suspended Football: My week one lineup so far includes Ben Roethlisberger and Vincent Jackson. I may even be able to work Mike Vick into the lineup and run a crazy offensive set. Don't let T.O. on your team -- he could actually play somewhere if anyone wanted him!
  • 5. Cinema Nostalgia: Remember past years of film fondly by taking in one of the many execrable movies playing at a theater near you right now! "The Last Airbender sure does suck, but it makes me cherish Waterworld that much more."
  • 4. Celebrate Our Nation: Go see fireworks and remember how great it is to be American. In what other place are we free to sue the government for expanding our health care coverage and listen to whatever it is that the Tea Party says on a daily basis?
  • 3. Go To The Roots: Celebrate July by honoring its namesake, Julius Caesar. Eat a salad. Get your bangs cut straight. Get an orange smoothie-ish thing.
  • 2. NBA Free Agency, Part II: Make up an NBA team and call around to see if you can be a part of any free agent interviews. I made up one called the "Charlotte Bobcats" and I got Joe Johnson to e-mail me back!
  • 1. Prayer: With all this time on your hands, you are free to get on your knees, clasp your hands tightly, and pray harder than you ever have that September comes quickly with its cooler weather, football season, baseball pennant races, and new TV.

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